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The Warrior Lampoon

NEWS

ALL SCHOOL NEWS

$25,000 FUNDRAISER FOR CLASSMATE
 
The All School Council and Grade Level Councils have been holding charity events to contribute to the goal of raising $25,000 for our schoolmate who was paralyzed his Freshman year. 
 
Current Charity Events:
Penny Wars
"Never Give Up" bracelets
 
Future Charity Events:
 

Junior News

Sophomore News

Sophomore Ditches Innocent Frosh Look for Metrosexual Look

15 year old Nick Dobin has indeed ditched the IFL, formerly known as the Innocent Frosh Look, to go for the new Metrosexual look. In addition with losing the Innocent Frosh Look, he lost his long-time high school girlfriend of three weeks. She dumped Nick because "he totally thought he was a metrosexual, even though he had no idea what that meant." When Nick consistently claimed his metrosexuality, she would just shrug. "I thought, sure, maybe he takes longer in the shower than most guys, but so long as he takes showers, who cares?" The fact that Nick kept telling her how "in touch with his feminine side" he was recently for no reason was a cause for suspicion.

"I guess because he kept saying it, without any prompting at all, made me think that his bathroom products would rival mine,"; she stated. "Boy was I in for a surprise!" She stated that the first time she went over there, all she found in the bathroom was a threadbare towel that used to be white but now resembled a bluish-gray color with a tint of yellow, a bottle of Old Spice body wash, and a chipped bar of Dove soap. The shower, and apparently the entire house itself, has no running water. Senior brother, Skyler Dobin, responded to the actions of his Sophomore brother with much humiliation.

Read the next edition of The Warrior Lampoon for rest of story

Frosh News

Frosh Too Cool To Play Piano For Guests

The enormous success of Freshman Timothy Reebs performance of Ludwig Van Beethoven's classic "Moonlight" in c-sharp minor has taken a heavy toll on the 14 year-old pianist, judging from reports from friends, family, and Timothy himself -- the piece has become the most asked-for and admired song in the boy's musical catalogue, a fact that has perturbed and upset the pianissimo to the point of mental breakdown.
The wooing, kisses from old relatives, cheek-pinches by uncles, and other constant admonition over being "so adorable and talented" have all apparently failed to sustain Reebs's satisfaction with his elevated status -- finding fame to be a double-edged sword, Timothy has refused to play his greatest popular success for family and friends alike, even at the pleading requests of admirers.
When being interviewed, Timothy harshly commented, "I hate that song and I hate Beethoven! Screw piano, I'm all about the ladies now!"
"Maybe we milked that one big success for all that it was worth and pigeonholed him," later stated the father of the hit maker, "but now that he's established himself, he's rebelling against his notoriety. I am sure its nothing 'Ole Faithful' couldn't fix though" continued Mr. Reebs as he slowly took off his Harley Davidson leather belt and chuckled to himself. Mr. Reebs went off mumbling into the kitchen and tripped on Timothy's skateboard. With a small scrape to the elbow, he then vowed to "take matters into his own hands."
Coming from humble beginnings, Reebs first impressed small audiences limited mostly to immediate family members and Grandparents with songs like "Rugrats" before attaining renown with performance after performance of the 19th century hit. His once modest behavior and unadorned wardrobe of tight straight legged jeans and "Warren Middle School Wolverines" t-shirts have been forsaken for a brazen attitude and a new wardrobe to match it. Parachute pants and a sleeveless "And 1" shirt he found in the Lost-and-Found have now become his everyday attire. He has also been known to rock the Lime-green shades. Although the flawless presentation of Beethoven's nearly universally admired composition skyrocketed the Frosh from the limitations of the out-of-tune piano in his parents basement to the baby grand in the living room, he claims "My parents just don't understand that I am too cool for piano." He then persisted to utter, "I wonder if Kazaam finished downloading on Kazaa."- a statement totally negating his first comment (Don't you remember how disappointed you were when you finished watching that movie?)
Timmy has grudgingly performed Beethoven's classic on several occasions following his collapse, despite his hatred for the audience, spite for his own success, and desire to tread new waters. During the most recent performance on his parent's annual Labor Day BBQ, a clearly distracted and fidgety Reebs, eyes glazed and shiftless, played the song at nearly double the typical tempo, causing his mother to intervene and tell him to, "Slow it down a bit and play it like you always used to." The suggestions lead the young musician into a towering rage as he proclaimed his artistic individuality and integrity as an interpreter of music.
"It's my song! I'll play it however I want too!" sobbed the creatively suffocated performer. "You learn how to play it if you like it so much!" At that point, he stood up ready to leave until he saw the glare of his father's eyes. Immediately he sat back down and continued playing, remembering what had happened the night before.
Timothy is not without sympathizers like older brother, Senior Ron Reebs. "Man, I've been there and it's a hard life to live," said Ron. "No one in the family ever cared that I could play Billy Joel's Piano Man, which is all that I could do, but every day in high school some $%^@ would ask for that song so everyone could sing along. Do you know how annoying 'dah dah dah daaa dah dah dadada' gets? That $#@! stays with you forever man - it haunts your dreams."

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