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The Warrior Lampoon
The Kid

This is the kid that everyone knows. In his mind he thinks everyone likes him, but deep down he knows a couple of guys who wouldn't mind beating the crap out of him. But those guys don't matter to him anyway. This is the kid who barely gets enough credits to play Varsity yet still struts down the hall with the huge ego. Rather than being popular, he can be regarded more as "infamous." What more can be said about this guy?Let's see... he talks with an indistinguishable accent (a mixture between Southern Jersey/Boston), cracks the overused jokes, and probably has the screenname like... Imtheman69. In his profile he probably has some lyrics from a really bad song that he thinks is still cool, like Who the let the dogs out. The last characteristic which isn't even really a characteristic is his girlfriend. The girl that everyone knows for being smart, pretty and nice. She's way too good for the guy, but doesn't know it.
Now here's the other kid-which most kids out there reading this are. You're the kid in class who knows his stuff. Teachers know you've got it and will make it someday out there. You don't talk too much in class, sit in the back corner of the room, and makes a few comments to your buddy next to you. You're not bad looking, but you're no Chuck Norris(girls love him I hear). You're more or less just kind of "in the game." What more can be described about this guy? You make wise cracks when the teacher isn't around, talk eloquently, and probably have the screen name of something you like to do... baseballkid11 or maybe even you tied baseball into some novel you've read like... catcherintherye11.  
You can't really pay attention in class, that girl who's going out with the jerk sits diagonally in front of you. You two have talked before...not really talked but had brief conversations- not really conversations but more like her asking, "Hey _____, can I borrow an eraser?" type of deal. You don't think too much about it, you've known her since elementary school. But when you do think about, you realize you've known her since you can remember. You recall the first day of second grade when she wore her first "high-heels" and tripped, giving her that scar on her chin that she still has.
Days become weeks and weeks become months. You and the girl have actually gotten pretty close - and have even met each other at a party or two. You still get nervous around her and even tried calling her house a couple of times. The seven digits are drilled into your head after staring at it- deciding whether to call her or not. Despite this, you guys have actually become buddies. You guys hang out when there's nothing else much to do. She can carry out a conversation and actually makes funny comments... not the ones that you laugh at when they're not funny. You actually give "the laugh"- the one you do when your boy gets rejected from a date or something. She shows up to your house in gray sweatpants and a yellow "Watchung Hills Athlete T-shirt" while you yourself are wearing ripped jeans and a white undershirt (the one that you just throw on the ground and everytime when your mom or dad is about to wash it you're wearing it probably smells and has pit stains on it).  You realize you guys have fun together, eating cereal from a box and whether it be watching Two of a Kind re-runs with the Olsen twins or some crap that you would never by watch yourself (or would never say out loud you watched). She can be wearing those dingy sweatpants and not wearing any makeup, but to you she's still gorgeous. In your mind it makes you feel even better... a little more special than the other guys, she went out of her way not to dress up for you. Everytime you see her you lose a gasp of air... you feel the sensation like that time in 3rd grade when you got punched in the stomach for the first time... or when you got cross checked in last night's lacrosse game. You seem pretty content right now, and then BAM! it hits you. You realize that you've placed yourself in the worst of two worlds... you remember reading before that "Nice guys finish last" and that's just what you are. You're the nice guy.
What more can be said? You've totally forgotten about the jerk she's going out with. You think to yourself and you see the kid ten years from now, still wearing his Varsity jacket with his nickname "Hot Stuff" scripted in the front, sporting a beer belly and already pimping a comb over. You can't see how this guy got your girl. She says the generic high school "i love him"-that is until senior graduation but never really talks about him until she gets hurt. The jerk probably got caught getting with some other girl and just like that, the relationship is over.
In your mind, you can't help yourself from laughing. In fact you laugh so hard you actually let out some gas. You then look around and see if anyone heard you. Luckily no one did. You think that your definitely "in the zone" now and even turn up some Bruce to match your feelings. Life is good. The next day you wait for her outside her Chem class after the fourth period bell rings. You peek into the class and you see her already walking out with three guys. Three typical jerks. You slam the back of your head into the locker. You actually miss and hit the brick wall and yelp. You then stare left down the hallway and see the first jerk, walking all alone... you can't help but feel bad for him... you two have your hearts broken by the same girl. You feel the common bond. You turn your head to the right and see your girl. Some kid already maneuvered the arm-over-shoulder technique on her. The next night you hear all about this guy from her. You can't really listen anymore. The night before all that went through your mind was "Girls just wanna have fun" with you skipping around. Now all you hear is an old Backstreet Boy song, "Show me the meaning of feeling lonely." You then wonder how and why those two songs are in your head. You got screwed over again son. Some playboy is trying to get with your girl and you can't do much about it. You knew life isn't fair... but you wonder why it couldn't be fair in your advantage for once. You start blaming yourself and almost cut her off from your life. The relationship is over. It was fun while it lasted. Now you're back to where you're just the kid.

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