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The Warrior Lampoon
WHY I LOST MY GIRLFRIEND

Watchung, NJ-- You probably feel pretty good about yourself right now, all toasty inside, smug that you just dumped me. Yet deep down, I know you're feeling the pain. Don't worry, I'll rebound from being dumped by you, and then you will be the one feeling sorry for yourself.

You may ascribe the demise of our relationship to me, but I don't think I should be accepting all of the blame. I'm sure that if I had remembered our third-week anniversary, we'd still be together, kissing and smooching like newlyweds. I can't help it that my buddy Theodore was having an all-night Highlander movie marathon the very same evening. Had I known you were planning something special, I would have definitely made you something personal and meaningful and spent some time with you, after the movies were over.

Had I taken you out a few more times, I'm sure we would still be cuddling today. You didn't seem to mind paying for both of us most every time we went out. I thought I was being courteous and preaching gender equality when I let you pay for every dinner, the movies, the entire Highlander season 3 series, and the new car. I would have even drove you to school and back home if my driver's license wasn't suspended.

And was it my fault that you weren't interested in going to the Warcraft III LAN last weekend? I thought you would have gotten along well with Derek's 11-year-old sister. It wasn't exactly like breaking a date when I changed my mind about meeting your parents that Saturday.

But perhaps it was a little selfish of me calling your cell phone during class those many times. I was only trying to show you how much I cared. Your teacher needn't have been so rude to me--I wasn't serious when I told him what you really thought of him. And besides, you always said you wanted to ditch anyway.

You know I would have also kept a better hygiene regimen but after watching Free Willy 2, I realized I was being too extravagant. That's why I chose to wear the same jeans every day. It's not like I chose to dress like this. And I thought I was being eco-friendly by not wasting water showering every day. That's also the reason why I had a bad breath and smelt bad. If it was that important to you, you should have told me more than just those four times.

So I guess I have a right to question why you broke up with me. It seems rather glacial that you would question my devotion to you, after I invested near a whole 3 weeks in our relationship. Someday you will look back on this moment with qualms, and realize how big a mistake you made. But for now... farewell...and see you in gym class.

If you're reading this right now, I really want this Highlander Leather Jacket for Christmas.

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