SN - U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy G. Thompson reported
new figures from the U.S. Obesity Index which indicate that 100% of Americans are now obese -- 30% clinically, and 70% morbidly.
Between mouthfuls of buttered chicken wings covered in gravy, and pumpkin pie, Thompson called the news "encouraging," saying
that, "should some kind of devastating terrorist attack occur, no American will starve to death for at least eight months
- now that's homeland security!"
Thompson fended off critics in the medical community, saying, "Doctors think
they know so much -- a few years ago they were bleeding
patients with leeches. Who's to say that they don't have this
thing wrong? Maybe you are really healthy if you are a person who sweats profusely while simply riding the bus."
Finishing his second two-liter bottle of Dr. Pepper, Thompson added, "Come on, would you rather look like, an anemic Brittany
Spears or a happy and healthy Queen Latifah?"
Capitalizing on the changes to the Obesity Index, NBC announced that it would be launching a new cable station next
month called "FAT." According to their press release, "FAT will air programming for fat people 24 hours a day, 7 days a week;
you will never have to roll off of the sofa again."
The new channel will begin by broadcasting "The Nutty Professor,"
followed by a short concert by the Three Tenors. The evening line up will conclude with the airing of the 1980s hit, "Disorderlies,"
staring rap's "The Fat Boys." "Chunk" of Goonies fame will then anchor the nightly news.
Thompson lauded the new channel
saying, "What we need is more TV, more
opportunities for people to sit back, relax and eat an entire packages of bacon."
Thompson then announced that he would be giving up his position to pursue his love of television full time. In 2004,Thompson
will be replaced by a large stack of Belgian Waffles, dripping in maple syrup.