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The Warrior Lampoon
Local Asian Doesn't Know Kung Fu?

Local Asian Charlie Chang got his butt whooped at Barton's Pub in Long Hill this past week. Eyewitnesses to the embarrassment were surprised. "I never thought that a white man could kick an Asian's butt like that," said eyewitness Francis Kryzinski. " It was a pretty sad sight... he didn't even get one hit," continued the bartender.
Other eyewitnesses shared Kryzinski's surprise. "I always thought that Asian guys have old grandpas that teach 'em karate before they turn two," said local Jimmy Rex. "It's sad when a grandson can't get along with his grandpa."

Chang was not surprised that he was beaten. "I'm a third generation American," he said. "I mean, my grandparents were born here. My whole life, white kids thought that I had mystical powers, or that I could throw ninja stars or something. I'm just as screwed up as they are."

Bartender Francis Kryzinski went on to say, "he was sucker punched. The poor guy was just standing there... he didn't know it was coming. The other guy came out of nowhere and just KOed him." Witness Angel Gonzalez noted "The white guy was drunk, and repeatedly ranted the Asian was hitting on his girlfriend. To tell you the truth, all I saw was Chang pulling out a Ti-89 Calculator and showing off his techniques with it." 

"Gordon is quite the fool," added Gordon's roomate. "He always starts fights when he gets drunk. He usually gets his butt kicked. I was surprised that the Asian guy didn't float in the air and beat Gordon's face with a shot glass wrapped in a towel. I bet that Asian guy's parents are embarrassed. I sure would be."

The Lampoon retrieved further information concerning Chang's background. Friends of Chang claim that not only does he suck at fighting, he's not really good at math either. Even more startling, he doesn't eat rice at every meal.


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